December 24, 2024
Christmas Memories
This time of year is very busy. It's easy to get caught up with the hustle and bustle of Christmas. I'm usually so focused on planning what is happening next that I don't take time to look back on memories. But this morning while reading my Bible my mind wandered back to Christmas 42 years ago. That year something happened that changed the rest of my life.
I had gotten saved when I was 12 years old. I never doubted after that point that I would be with the Lord in heaven when I died, not because of anything I did, but because He died on the cross to save me. Salvation was all from Him, not from anything that I did, other than receiving the gift of salvation.
However, having salvation didn't mean I that I didn't struggle with things. A big thing I struggled with was depression. That eventually led to thoughts of suicide. At first it was a fleeting thought. However, over the years the thought of suicide was more frequent and stronger. I couldn't accept the way that God had made me. I believed everything in my life was a failure and I hated life. I didn't talk to anyone about the depression that was taking over my life or share my struggles about the spirit of suicide that plagued me. I just withdrew more and more into myself.
I contemplated suicide every day. I wanted to escape the misery of my life. But there was one thing that stopped me. I knew I couldn't do that to my mother. It's said that suicide is a very selfish act and that is true. I knew that my mother would never get over her daughter committing suicide. She would be plagued with that knowledge and probably blame herself for the rest of her life. I just couldn't do that to her. So I never attempted it even though I wanted to do it.
During the fall when I was 22 years old my life seemed to get lower and lower. I tried everything in my power to change but couldn't. Finally one day I gave up. I told the Lord that I didn't care if I lived or died. I didn't care if I was ever happy. I didn't care if my life ever changed. I gave my entire life, future, happiness, depression, everything to Him. I didn't care anything about me as long as He was in control. He could do with my life whatever He wanted. And that is exactly what God had been waiting for.
Psalm 51:17 says, The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise." God took my broken life and started rebuilding it. I had felt like I was dead inside, but within a few days it seemed like new life was starting deep within my heart. I was afraid to admit at first that anything was changing, for fear it would go away. But God continued to change me from the inside out.
On Christmas eve I was by myself meditating on what God had been doing in my life. All of a sudden I realized that God had made me exactly how He wanted me. He hadn't made a mistake and He was going to use my life, my failures, my struggles, for His glory. For the first time in my life I could truly thank Him for the way He made me. Psalm 139:14 says, I will praise thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
That was the best Christmas I had had up to that point in my life. God had given me salvation years earlier, which is the greatest gift of all. But that Christmas He also gave me freedom from the spirit of suicide and joy in Him that I had never experienced before.
God has continued to work in my life. I've failed Him many times, but He uses that to bring me closer to Him. He has also given me many other blessings, including a husband, children and grandchildren, and using me in the lives of other people.
The devil wants to defeat us, to keep us from serving the Lord. He would have accomplished that in my life many years ago if I had committed suicide. But, praise the Lord, God had the victory in my life.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or depressed by your life, surrender your life to the Lord. He has great plans for your life. If you've never received Christ as your Savior, that is the first step. He died on the cross to pay for your sins. He wants to give you eternal life. For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved, Romans 10:13.
As I spend time with one of my daughters and some of my grandchildren this Christmas, I remember that it never would have happened if I hadn't surrendered everything to God those many years ago. I am so thankful for His salvation and His work in my life. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and that you know how much God loves you!
